Scarlet C

This is actually a recent event in my life, I posted this in my personal blog, but think I'm now ready to share this on this blog.

In early August 2011, I met someone at a mutual friend’s BBQ. For privacy reasons, I shall call that person LT. LT was with his girlfriend and at that time, I was interested in the host of the party. During that night, word came across that I was studying to become a personal trainer, which sparked LT’s attention. Turns out, it was a mutual interest, as he was an Exercise Physiologist. We spoke that night briefly and that was the end of that…so I thought.

A couple of days later, he added me on Facebook and he started to message me privately before asking for my mobile number. I had a bit of resistance at first since he was a taken guy, but I gave it the benefit of the doubt that perhaps he was just that kind of person and passed it on. And the messages began.

At first, it was just all general topics of what we were interested in etc, and then he said that he wanted to train me and we arranged a time to do my pre-assessment. What was meant to be a 1hr assessment turned to a 3 hour session of talking about a lot of random topics and we didn’t finish the assessment. We had raised the issue that his girlfriend wasn’t feeling too easy about him being friends with me and I told him that I felt a bit uncomfortable too but said he had nothing to worry about. He took me to go play touch with his friends and I thought that was the end of that. Nope, not even close.

The messages continued and we met to finish off the pre-assessment. During this time, we were just talking like friends and it was all fine. He left me with his playlist since I liked it so much. That following Friday, he came over in the late hours of the evening because he wanted to “listen to the music” as well. Turns out it was the start of some long chats about anything and everything…what we affectionately called ‘blanket chats’.

It came close to the Ekka holiday and I was starting to think that we were getting a bit too close for comfort as friends with the amount of time we were spending together just purely chatting until the early hours of the morning. So I confronted him about it and said that it was best that we back off for the sake of his girlfriend. It was that night that we both admitted that we were in the grey area but we should back off.

The next day we met up briefly to talk about it and he finally accepted that it was best we didn’t talk for a while. That night, he went and told his girlfriend about us.

Four days on, I caved in and made contact just to say that this sucked, but he was the one to lead on the messaging again and from there, the cycle began.

What’s the cycle you ask?

1. We talk and get along well for a couple of weeks - including blanket and late night chats.
2. I would start to feel uncomfortable and that it’s getting too close for comfort
3. I would have ‘the talk’ with him saying that we need to back off and that it’s hurting that it’s like this.
4. He would say that he doesn’t like to go with what society accepts and sees both me and her in his future and wishes that there were 2 of him to keep us both happy
5. He would understand that we need to back off
6. There would be some physical contact (only 2nd base max)
7. Not talk for a certain period of time (sometimes a day, sometimes a week, nothing longer than 2 weeks though)
8. He would break the ice.
9. Start the cycle all over again.

This went on for 4 months…

Did we sleep together? Yes, only on a couple of occasions. Who provoked all physical contact? Him.
In amongst those 4 months, we had experienced quite some highs and lows. Near the 3rd month mark, I got really angry at him because he said that I worried too much over nothing. So I did something that I shouldn’t have done. I went to LT’s gf’s ex, who was a friend of mine, and told him the whole situation, giving me his word that he wouldn’t tell anyone.

Then came a mutual friend’s Christmas party in December and something that I didn’t think happen occured, LT got kicked in the balls by the ex. To this day, I still have no idea why he did it, but people suspect it’s because of what he knew.

The following day, I accidently opened up to another friend of the situation. Turns out word had gotten out already.

Come a couple of days before Christmas, I get asked to meet with LT early in the morning to discuss a serious issue. The issue being that the girlfriend (by then, fiance) had found out. I got asked who I told and I only mentioned the friend, not the ex. It was an hour of “you knew this was coming, I tried to warn you, now that it’s happened - you need to deal with the consequences” and him FINALLY admitting that he wanted to be with her and we both accepted that this would be the last time we were ever talk again.

When I spoke to my friend, he admitted that he was the one who told the fiance that rumours were going out, but it wasn’t him saying it. Instead, it was the ex. I admitted this to LT and got a bit of a lashing at him. Now after that, the fiance is still pointing fingers at me for being a home wrecker and spreading the rumours.

Now, I’m not going to be someone who will try to justify my actions because I will openly admit that I was in the wrong to get involved with a taken guy, eventhough I did try to push back. I just didn’t push back enough to convince LT otherwise. But I will defend myself in saying that I’m not the only culprit in this entire saga. It took 2 to tango and from what I’ve heard, the other partner has yet to tell his fiance the entire truth of everything that has happened.

For me to get blamed for being a home wrecker, ok fair enough, but she needs to understand that while I may have been a temptation, he was the one who gave into temptation and followed through.
I know that this post will never get through to her, and even if she did, she would never accept that this is my side of the story. I don’t blame her, I would do the same if I was in her position. But what I do want to say, girl to girl is this: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame of me”.
In the long term, I hope that she will understand that I’ve done her a favour. She’s opened up Pandora’s box before she made a vow to spend her whole life with someone who she didn’t entirely know. Within time, the truth will come out and justice will prevail. I know that I’ve gotten my karma for this situation, but I am picking my fights and this time round, I am willing to take the bullets. For those who know me, I’m usually the Alpha female who will take on any fight, but this is know that I know I’ll lose.

If anything, this will be a test of true character to see what they are like. If they are going to be childish to spread out rumours and call me a homewrecker publicly, then so be it. They choose to be like that but I know better. My family and close friends know the truth and it’s the one who don’t runaway during this time that I know are my true friends.

So there is a positive ending to the saga, I just need to wait to get there before I can finally put everything to a close.

So what's happened now you ask?

Nothing. I have learnt to accept that he will be staying with her and that she's the one he's chosen to be with. I will admit I am still moving on and with every passing day, I am getting better. I start to think about him less, I miss him less and I am slowly starting to re-create the moments that he and I once shared into moments that I can cherish with just myself or with another significant other.

I will call this the bittersweet love story of 2011.

The pseudo-lover aka Mr CSP

I know I know, it's been a while since I've blogged. I've been really busy with other commitments but don't worry, I haven't forgotten about this blog!

Since I've been talking to one of my best friends about CSPs recently, I figured that it'd be a sign to write about Mr CSP.

Now before I start the story, I need to mention that prior to Mr CSP, the whole concept of CSP'ing wasn't in my mindset and wasn't something that I really understood. Back then, I still believed that you should be intimate only with your partner and that if you slept with someone, it was because there was something there. oh boy...did my mentality change after this.

It all started off as simply as being taken out for a birthday lunch by Mr CSP and just talking as friends. To be honest, I never really considered him at all and I was just happy to get a free feed since I was starving (mean right?). There wasn't really much to talk about since him and I hadn't really spoken before so there was a few awkward moments. I was releived when I got home.

Over the next few weeks, the chasing began and he was messaging me on MSN whenever I was on and kept trying to keep a conversation going. We eventually got to a point where we were talking about our past relationships and he shared the story of being with his ex for 6 years and ending it because it wasn't what they wanted. They would've been happy to marry each other, but it would've been more out of comfort as opposed to fireworks in the air. Since then, he had been miserable and really looked down on himself. Me being me, gave the kind words you'd say to a stranger based on what I knew of him (and back then, he did seem like a nice guy...like everyone is).

The next day, he asked me out to dinner and before I knew it, we had our first date.

A couple of weeks went by and I was starting to get interested in him and realised he was feeling the same way, but it was all about taking things slowly..or so we planned. Within a couple of days, we were spending a weekend down at the coast where we did it for the first time. And that's when it started getting weird.

Sex wise, he was lousy but the fact that I was getting sex, plus with my innocent way of thinking back then, led me to beleive that something was going to develop. We met a couple of times a week to grab a quick bite and then to have sex. We'd text each other during the day, so it got me thinking that we were on the road to becoming an official couple. Oh wow, was I ever so wrong.

As the months went by, the sex continued but it was just routine, and the messages started becoming a lot less frequent. The only time a text would come in was when he wanted sex and me being an idiot, fell for it and always came over. It didn't know what time it was, I made time for it. I was able to be manipulated so easily and he had me wrapped around his fingers. In fact, so wrapped that I didn't even suspect that he was chasing after another girl - a taken girl actually.

I eventually found out about her and yet I still believed that I would have a chance before of the fact that logically, I would be the right choice because I was the single one. Unfortunately, the fact that the other girl was unavailable, made him want her so much more.

So....the situation came to the point where I liked him, he liked the taken girl and the taken girl liked him back but was going to stay with her boyfriend. What the hell?

Looking back, if I had known that it was going to be that messy, I would've walked around and went on with my life, but I guess that's the reason why we look back...so we can realise just how much we have grown since that time.

The activities with Mr CSP continued on and off for probably around 1 year before it eventually hit me that he really really REALLY was a bad guy and wasn't worth all the heartache. I used to talk to him every now and then and he's still the same asshole as he was back then. He has no structure in his life, yet he expects to be with someone who does and knows what they are doing with their life. I would say a lot more but I'll play it down for his sake.

I will have to admit that things with Mr CSP was probably the most messed up situation that I have ever had (and that's saying something) - it tormented me to death but it made me open my eyes more to what society had become and that what I had orignally believed, wasn't seen as the societal norm anymore - it was just an idealist's dream.

So what's my tip for those who are considering a CSP?

• Make sure you set your boundaries of what you can and cannot do
• Make sure you both are aware of where you both stand (friends, potential lovers, just CSPs etc) - without this, it leads to a lot of grey areas in the future
• Make sure you actually get a benefit from the agreement and it isn't just you pleasuring him all the time
• Treat the CSP as part of your schedule - make them put in "bookings" for you and don't always be available for them
• Give the CSP a test drive to see if they are actually what you want. If they can't satisfy you, it's time to move along
• Most importantly, don't get attached especially if you know that they aren't interested and don't intend to pursue a relationship with you.

Undestined Fate

Lately I've been thinking about the concept of "fate" and "destiny" and whether or not it really is something that does happen in life, particularly with love. I can still remember looking back at my past and recalling moments when I would tell someone (or they would tell me), "No doubt that our paths will cross again and we will be together then/again".

I really question to think if this is really something that happens in real life beyond the autobiographies we read about.

But then the realist in me comes out and I start to think about crossing paths. Perhaps we do cross paths with the one we once loved, but maybe then we realise that we aren't meant to be. Instead, we cross paths so we can reflect on where we once where and where we are now...

And this is how the story of Joseph begins.

This is going to be really embarassing, but Joseph was my first online boyfriend. I know I know, I can hear all the laughter already. I was 13 and if you read my previous blog, I was quite sheltered so online chatrooms was my only avenue for social interaction with anyone apart from school.

Coincidently, Joseph was also 2 years older, just like DT, but he was from Sydney. The same old story as how it all starts, we start to talk and we got to know each other. Now remember, this is based on high school social interactions, this is how we got together.

Me: "So...I think I like you"
J: "I think I like you too...."
Me: :)
J: "Will you go out with me everythough we can't go out?"
Me: "Yes"

And just like that, we were "boyfriend and girlfriend"....

We had never met each other but we spoke online everyday and it gradually progressed to talking on the phone every afternoon - oh man that was an expensive few months on the home phone - eck! We spoke about our day and our plans for me to move down to Sydney after grade 12 to be with him...oh how naive I was back then. I was blinded with what I thought was my first love...until 4 months later when we broke up. I honestly can't remember how I reacted to the break up but I don't think there was any tears. If there were, I must've repressed it out of my mind. One of the things that I do remember is that one of our songs was Utada Hikaru - First Love. Even up to today, everytime I hear that song, he will pop up in my mind and I will usually have a bit of a giggle thinking of how foolish I was back then.

And you never really realise how foolish you were until you are faced with your past again, which is what happened to me...10 years later.

When I was living in Sydney last year, I met up with a few family friends for lunch. Of course, me not knowing many people down south, I was quite a stranger and so when their friends came to say hi, I just acted polite and said hi and that was all. Out of all the people, one of them was Joseph, but I didn't realise it was him until after he left to sit down at his table and my family friend told me. After lunch, we went outside for a bit and Joseph was having a smoke. I had a look at him, and then my friend teased him to see if he remembered me or not. After a few moments, I couldn't take it seriously anymore, laughed and walked off without looking back. It was definitely an interesting moment for me.

That night, I started to think about what would have happened if we did keep in contact within those 10 years and that I did move down to Sydney after high school? I then looked into it more and realised just how much we had both changed. Not that social status matters to me much, but I was working in one of the largest telco's in Australia and had a double bachelor's degree, whereas from what I was told, he was drug dealing and was also an electrician. He also was a smoker - a massive no no for me. But if we did stay in contact, would I have become the druglord's chain-smoking trophy wife? Would I even had had a degree? Would have I even been to uni, let alone had aspirations?  Knowing how much of a sucker I was back then, chances are - I wouldn't have wanted to pursue a career, I would've aimed to just please my husband and have kids early.

So while fate didn't cross our paths to fall in love, it did let us cross so it gave me a chance to look directly at my past and to just see how far I had come since then. Not just in terms of physical appearance and social profiling, but also how I had developed as a person on the inside. Joseph and I may not have been destined to be together, but we were destined by fate to meet so that we can move forward knowing just how much we had come since that moment.

Moral of the story? What one thinks fate has installed for them, may not always be the case. Just be sure that when you are encountered with a moment that seems like you are meant to be with someone, that it could perhaps be a reflection point as opposed to a re-ignition point and that my readers, is undestined fate.

The Moo Cow Incident

In our dating life, there will always be someone who you thought was just too good to be true. Sure, they seemed gentleman like on the inside, but behind closed doors, things would get a little bit more onto the freaky side. Flashbacks coming back to you? Here's mine...

In my second year of university, I competed in a business competition where you were put into mock real-life business situations and you had to work with your team to achieve the best possible outcome. The competition itself was gruesome but the final result that you become so much more aware of your professional acumen and what you had to develop on. That and also you made at least another 5 new years. Thomas was one of those friends.

Now mind you, around this time was when I was in a relationship that was in its final days so any distraction that could help me feel better about myself was a blessing. A week or two after the competition, I had ended the relationship and was on the rebound...unintentionally actually. Thomas who had been my pillar for the few weeks took advatange of the situation and become my rebound.

We had a few chats, went on a few dates and things seemed to be going fine. He played all the right cards, was romantic, sweet, caring and sincere. But then when things got frisky, things actually got more freaky.

Now it's important that I describe to you what his room looks like. There's a double bed in the middle, a plush toy (a big cow actually) on the corner of the bed and the rest of the typical things you see in a bedroom. Oh and his room was just outside the hallway to go to his kitchen (he still lived with his family).

I'm not going to go into the details of 'the act' (it's more because there isn't much to report apart from major dissatisfaction as opposed to be not putting you all in disgust) but I will mention that before, during and after the act, he dog-talks to the plush cow. Not just a "hey what's up moo cow" but more like "who's a good moo cow?" tone. You know, the tone you give to your dog when you go "who's a good boy??" or "who wants a bone??". At first it seemed cute but then he kept doing it and that's when I started to really question if this is something I could put up with. Don't get me wrong, I like my guys to have a soft side to them, but when it's softer than me, there's alarm bells chiming nonstop.


Needless to say, I broke things off with Thomas after a few weeks since I ended up getting back with my ex but the real reason was that he just wasn't man enough for me (ohh I can hear all the guys going "ouch").

So ladies, next time you date a guy who seems way too good on the outside, see what he does behind closed doors before you decided if he's worth keeping around.

Until next time...

The one that got away...

No matter what stage we are in our life, we will always reflect back down memory lane and we will remember the one that got away. The one where you thought that you were too young to be in love with and there were too many complications so you let them go. The one where you lost contact with them and always hoped that your paths would cross again one day. The one who you thought you could fall in love with all over again when you got re-united.

This is one of those stories.

I was only 13 and it was time where social media websites such as Facebook and Myspace had yet to be created. It was the time when online chatrooms were the trend and this is where it all startred.

Being quite a sheltered teenager, I wasn't sure aware of the concerns of online stalking, abuse or anything of the sort. Instead, I was the innocent one who genuinely wanted to make friends and online chatrooms was the only avenue apart from going to an all girls school. Of course, you meet the scary characters, the ones who ask overly intrusive questions like "what is your bra size" and the ones who claim to be in love with you as soon as you say "hi" to them (there's a story about that one coming soon). Out of all the bad and scary, there was one that outshone them all and most all, was someone who I have a genuinely great conversation with.

His name was DT, was 2 years older than me, lived in Melbourne and now that I think back to it, had the three things that I happen to go for in guys even up til today - Arrogant (not intended but I just happen to), Nerdy and Athletic. I can't remember the first conversation we had, but I do remember that after that first conversation, we would try to arrange when we would both be online and as soon as the other's person nickname appeared on the main screen, we instantly created a private chatroom and talked for what seemed like hours on end (mind you, during highschool, I was lucky enough to be online for 2 hours).

After a few months, I'm pretty sure I had decided to stop using this particular chatroom (or got banned by my parents) and thus lost contact with him. Of course being young and all, I didn't really look into our converstions as anything more than pure enjoyment to get me through the night. I had completely forgotten about him as I started to have close friends at school and got to meet other people through them. This was also when MSN was starting to perk up to become the next big thing so chatting with your real friends seemed more worthwhile. You might not think that this is important information, but it will be when you find out what happens next.

As I going onto my 14th year, I had become close friends with one of my school friends, Sarah, who was also using the same chatroom as me the year before. One night, we were talking on MSN and she told me that there was someone who added her on MSN but was actually looking for me. I wasn't able to know who it was and even after she passed me their email address, I still have no idea who he was. It wasn't until the first few sentences we typed to each other that I had realised it was DT.

Ever since I had gone off from the chatroom, DT had been trying to find me. He had contacted people from the same chatroom to see if they knew who I was (which was actually quite hard since I used quite a few aliases and he was one of the very few who knew my real name) and after a year of searching, he had managed to get through to Sarah to get to me. If there was an emoticon or a text icon that could resemble that moment in a romance movie where the two main characters run towards each other and kiss with the sunset in the background, that was how it exactly was. And just like that, our hours on end conversations started all over again.

I guess me being young and naive, I never really looked at DT as being someone to go out with - I guess distance played a big part of that. But when I think back to it now, I would that if that was me now, I would consider moving to be with him.  It was just amazing that the conversations we had seemed to be complete yet endless. We always had something to talk about, whether it be a general topic like "How was your day?" to something deep and meaningful. I still remember that when I found out that I was selected to be in the opening ceremony for the Goodwill Games, he was the first one I told and clearly the most excited one out of everyone I told. He actually type the gesture of *hugs and lifts you into a circle*. Up to this day, I will find that to be one of the sweetest gestures that a guy has done for me.

As the months went by and he was starting to get serious about his senior studies, little did I think that our conversations would come to an end soon.

I still remember the last few conversations we had, we were both talking about how he should be focussing on his studies and that he was going to cut off MSN but we promised to be pen pals. We actually exchanged home addresses in our last conversation, we both double checked that we had the correct details and when it was time to go offline, it was a prolonged one where neither of us wanted to say good night for the last time but alas, it had to happen.

After all these years, I never got around to sending him a letter or email (since I changed my email address shortly after that) and I'm pretty sure that I still have his address written down in the back of a notebook somewhere. What's stopped me from writing before and what's stopping me now you ask? I guess as the years went by, my way of thinking started to become more complex and I started to overanalyse every situation I was involved in. But every once in a blue moon, I will have the following questions come into my head:

Why do I think about him after all these years when I have been interesed in other guys since DT?

What would happen if I tried to write him a letter?

What do I want to get out of the letter?

Would he actually think the same as he did 10 years ago?

Would he remember me?

I think that last question is the one that holds me back the most. However, when I look back to it, I actually prefer leaving this as the unfinished love story. You will soon find out that most of my love stories have a bad or not so pleasant ending to it so I think I want to preserve this as being one of the few love stories that didn't have a bad ending.

If anything, I will always reflect back to that time as the years of my innocence and simple thinking and know that whenever I feel like I have too much happening in my life, I will always be able to look back to this time and know that, once upon a time, life was simple and know that I can always become that girl once again for a few moments just to escape.

Mr First "No Pay" Date

This is a date that I tell everyone about and they all have a good laugh about so I thought I would share this one first.

In the dating world, there is always the age old question, "who pays for the first date?". Some say it's the guy, others say it's the girl and the rest say it should be split between both parties. Being quite a headstrong woman who has heard of many guys complain that they have to pay, I actually believe that it should be split between both parties but you always offer to pay.

I'm pretty sure that Patrick* must've known me too well and knew that this was the case and took advantage of it.

Patrick and I met at university when we did a few classes together. Throughout the time we saw each other in class, we started to become good friends and eventually it got to the grey zone where you don't know if you should cross over to the dating side or stay on the friends side. You all know what I mean, when you take turns in paying for the whole meal, you share the long hugs, you are always there for each other when you need someone to talk to and so on. The only exception here is that Patrick always paid for everything and never let me get away with paying for anything...

So when we decided to go on a first date, you would think that we would be all good right? WRONG!

It was a cloudly day with a glimpse of sunshine shining through the gaps. I remember waking up being nervous but confident knowing that I had a general idea of what today would entail. I get dressed to impress and I drive to Patrick's house which was in the inner city suburbs.

When I got to his place, he was still getting dressed but from what I saw, he looked impeccable with a clean, fresh button up shirt and dressing it down with jeans and sneakers. I didn't get butterflies though, but I guess since we knew each other, I couldn't expect it.

When he was ready, he drove me to a nice bistro in one of the more high end suburbs of the town and we were seated at the front corner with a view to observe the outside world (great position to avoid awkward silences should they ever arise).

We talked about what we would usually talk about, how university was going, what we have been up to and started to dive in a more into our personal lives and our history. It was all going well and I was thinking that to myself that this date was a great decision.

But then we got to the stage of the date where we had to pay for the meal. I had assumed that since this was a first date, he would play his "first date" move on me and I played mine too so we both got our wallets out ready to pay. The cashier tells us how much it was and this is what happened....

Patrick starts to open up his wallet and takes out enough money to pay for the entire meal
Me: "I'll pay"
Patrick: "Oh, are you sure?"
Me: "Um...yeah"
Patrick: "Oh, ok then"
Patrick closes his wallet and puts it back into his pocket.

So I ended up forking up a $70 lunch for 2 on a first date...

Needless to say, there was no second date after this incident and now that I think about it, we haven't actually hang out ever since then.

It actually got me wondering for quite a while though, how come when we were in the grey zone, he always insisted on paying but when it came to the point where he had to step up his game, he let me take charge? Was this his way of trying to get me to be impressed that he's willing to step down? Did he want a free meal? Was it a combition of the two?

Up to this day, I still have no idea...

So to my readers, might I suggest you revise your strategy for the first date. If you are willing to pay, 'fess up but if you don't want to, perhaps think about how you word it to your date.

Until next time...keep strong xo


*Fake name has been used to protect the identity of this individual. I think I would want my name to be fake too if I was the one who did this.

And so it begins...

We all experience heartache in our life. No really, we all do. Personally, I've probably experienced enough heartache to compensate for those who have been fortunate to find their true love the first time round.

Nonetheless, after each crush or relationship we have, we walk away with not just a bruised heart, but with more experience and knowledge than when that person entered your life for the first time. We are then able to learn from these experiences to help us to learn, develop and grow to become a better person and try not to make the same mistake the next time round.

Of course, this isn't always the case. Well for me it wasn't anyway.

So this blog is me opening up about all of my past experiences and sharing the lessons I have learnt and hopefully, they will be able to make you laugh, learn and hopefully, live your life with no regrets.

Enjoy :)